my ducks are out of alignment. no me gusta.
I think, because my ducks have always been behind me, I never noticed how insanely out of whack they were until the paycheck fiasco of day 7. Or maybe, and more likely, deep, way deep in the pockets of the soul that only a person raised by Irish Catholic parents even knows exists, let alone can find, I knew my ducks were out of order, and was just waiting for them to find their way back to neutral ground.
Its so odd, even to me, that someone who craves control over their life could take such a laissez-faire approach to finance. For so long, inane bullshit has occupied most of my time, thoughts, efforts, and exhausted all of my supplies simply for the sake of avoidence of actual commitments and having actual, productive thoughts.
I worried for so long about seeming like the perfect person. I am so clearly not it. It has bothered me for so long, not being perfect. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time wondering "what if." At one point or another, I have wondered what if about nearly ever choice I have ever made.
At some point, I realize that I must stop worrying about what I've already done, mistakes I've already made, what the future holds and what mistakes I might make. I'm working hard to stop the circular thoughts, accept my decisions and give myself atleast enought credit to know that I'll be able to deal with whatever comes next. Living in the present? right now. this minute. i'm typing this. i'm watching cold case files. i'm thinking about what i'm going to do today, and i'm not worried about tomorrow.
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