dear nicole, days 21-29.

So i have 7 pics for 9 days. oh well.

doing something just for me. hm.

interesting, bc so many things i dont do just for me. i think you're right. im dedicating the rest of the year to me.

todays pic is actually the top one, i meant to take a pic of it all plated, but its chocolate pudding- made from scratch(!) french style, of course, with very vanilla whipped cream. mm-mmm. up there, and im not scrolling to check order, there are some pretty christmas trees i saw at hobby lobby, 101 meals to eat before you die- i HAVE to read/eat that. and ummm me, new haircut.

and the book im reading, so far, soooooo good. mario batali's life is so intriguing to me, as is the process in which ameteurs become professional chefs.

so sorry

(to my reader(s)- hah) will post pics from days 22-25(?) not sure what day i'm up to, but i promise i have legit photos for each day.

This week, I promise to:

• start going to the gym again- not sure even why that slowed down.
• recipes i'll definitely be trying include french toast casserole, chocolate ganache tart with cherry-vodka sauce and autum chiller (a drink recipe). as well i'll be roasting a chicken stuffed with sausage-apple walnut stuffing.
• find culinary classes for spring.
• oh! and post photos! :)

day 21

pink concert. glitter in the air.

man alive, i love her. her music helped me through high school. had some great talks with shana over dinner before the concert, and i'm trying to let bygones be bygones. so i have to say, thank you, pink, for relating to me. but i don't need your help anymore. :)

i promise myself i will used all i have learned in my past to move forward. move forward.

i'm letting my past go, slowly, but surely, and headed in a new direction.

day 20

day 20 was a continuation of mathematical insanity. I figured out absolute values equations, but am having difficulty with absolute value inequality equations. ugh.

i had a mathematical breakdown on day 19

(yesterday). i used to be smarter. i'm definitely out of practice.

yesterday, it seemed like the absolute end of the world, but some time has eased that pain. i cannot fathom taking three remedial math classes when i learned this crap in 9th grade!! ugh. i need to practice more.

as i love avoidence as a way of dealing with anxiety, i baked cookies instead. pumpkin-spice moon pies...mmmm!

This is me today.
i had a great day. I watched the new drop dead diva. amazing! what a great start to the day. it was all about letting go of the past and living in the now. then i went to target to search for something to wear to see pink. i got nothin, but an iced white chocolate mocha at starbucks. mmmm. hit the gym, hit the mall, sweet day! i pretty much had to remind myself that bursting into song! haha

and i'll end with this: the best way to get unstuck is to give yourself a kick in the ass. You don't have to live in the past.

the seventeenth day

watched a lottttt of bridezilla. that show is hilariously moronic. there is always a wedding.
i'd feel sorry and take pity on the grooms-to-be, but if they don't have enough sense to walk away, well, they've made their choice and all I can do is pray to not see (either of) them on America's Most Wanted.
Thats basically all I did today.
then i went to sleep late. as can be seen >

16

what a freakin fabulous day. slept in, hit the zoo with Shana and the kiddies, then went to see once more, with feeling (the buffy musical episode) in discovery green. what a sweet day!

this is a baby elephant. i actually took much better pics of him, but i accidentally was deleting them rather than saving them. oh well. he was a cutie

quinze

Kind of a cop out pic, I think. I wasn't really on my game today.

Wasted most of my time messing around target (where I saw these), jc penney and stopped for a second at the bank.

this is my favorite book, MLIF. MAFC is a book I'd love to get my hands on. Really learn to cook amazing french food. but Julie and Julia the movie honestly stole the romance of cooking through the book which is sad, but i can live through that, I guess.

whipping my finance duck back into place on day 14

my ducks are out of alignment. no me gusta.

I think, because my ducks have always been behind me, I never noticed how insanely out of whack they were until the paycheck fiasco of day 7. Or maybe, and more likely, deep, way deep in the pockets of the soul that only a person raised by Irish Catholic parents even knows exists, let alone can find, I knew my ducks were out of order, and was just waiting for them to find their way back to neutral ground.

Its so odd, even to me, that someone who craves control over their life could take such a laissez-faire approach to finance. For so long, inane bullshit has occupied most of my time, thoughts, efforts, and exhausted all of my supplies simply for the sake of avoidence of actual commitments and having actual, productive thoughts.

I worried for so long about seeming like the perfect person. I am so clearly not it. It has bothered me for so long, not being perfect. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time wondering "what if." At one point or another, I have wondered what if about nearly ever choice I have ever made.

At some point, I realize that I must stop worrying about what I've already done, mistakes I've already made, what the future holds and what mistakes I might make. I'm working hard to stop the circular thoughts, accept my decisions and give myself atleast enought credit to know that I'll be able to deal with whatever comes next. Living in the present? right now. this minute. i'm typing this. i'm watching cold case files. i'm thinking about what i'm going to do today, and i'm not worried about tomorrow.

thirteen. (4)

you can't see it well in this photo, but not only are these are cows dressed in froufy tutus, they are clad in fishnet stockings and ruby red sequined shoes.

Oh! and their top hoofs are rhinestone-studded.

(in texas childrens hospital).

the deal with the 4?

Ever since probably around the time we moved to new jersey again, i haven't written the number 13 (4) without writing a four after it. The reason? OCD. okay. i won't cop out of that one.

i was insanely superstitious. i didnt want the number 13 (4) to be the last number I wrote, for fear of the unlucky numeral.

I always thought I was the only person afraid of numbers, the only person who was literally afraid of God, and the only person who's family would rather suffer in silence and look happy than i don't know, talk about issues. When I read The Chris Farley Show by Tom Farley, something changed. Its so corny to even think about. But I finally found someone despite it being someone who had lost our battle, who went through the same things I did as a child, and had the same kinds of thoughts I had. The thoughts that spin and spin and never end.

I didn't know it wasn't normal until I was 19.

I thought I was totally alone until I was 20.

Oooh. and i sent out three secrets to Post Secret today. there really is something extremely theraputic about decorating a card, carefully deciding how to word the issue and sending out all the secrets that were holding me for soooo long, into the abyss.

the circles are slowing and i'm seeing exit signs.

clarification for day 12

i have spent so long blaming the death of my grandfather for all my unhappiness. and i know, in reality, he can't be responsible for all of it. i think it just make me feel better to blame something i can't confront.
the truth is, i don't know why i was unhappy. i shouldn't haven been.
i've never been hit. i've never gone without. i've never expirienced half the hardship that many people my age have.
i grew up lower middle class. we didn't have an extravagant amount. but i always had a home, food and clothing.
the only thing in life that i can think of that makes me unhappy is uncertainty. and life is full of uncertainty.

and i think just in typing that i had an epiphany.

days 11 and 12 were mediocre, at best.

I took college placement testing on day 11, after talking to a guidence counslor for an hour. (Side note: I seem to perpetually get the oldest, most computer illiterate of all the g.c's. I'm wondering if I've done something to piss the gods of career choices off. This guy didn't even know the programs offered nor did he know how to use ctrlf. ugh.) I scored extremely well in reading comprehension- though I regard that section of the test as my absolute least favorite. However, I scored disgustingly low in algebra.

This is less than half hour later than the conversation I had with Oldie McGuidence-Counselor. You know, the one where I told him I wanted to be a finance major, mathematics minor. OH, shit.

Now, I'm studying algebra like an eighth-grader and praying to god I will be able to score high enough (at least twice what I scored the first time. oh yes friends, i was that bad) to not have to take the three suggested remedial classes.

Day 12. I went to the gym. I ate Sonic. Ick.

This is my favorite number. Well, technically, 338 is my favorite number. And even more technically, it would be more accurate to describle 38 and 338 as numbers I am obsessed with.

When my ocd first reached a critical point, my first notion of a possible issue was because of the number 338. Its kind of hard to explain when I'm talking, and even more difficult to explain whilst writing. Basically, I could not see a number without using a list of rules to change it into 338.

My grandfather died when I was 9. It changed my life forever.

days 9 and 10

Day 9 I played jenga, among countless other games, with a friend of the family, in New Braunfels.

I just love the flowered arch at my boss's mothers house. It actually has these beautiful purple flowers randomly scattered on it. Beautiful! And I saw it on day 10. . .

otto

when i was really young, i thought that all the world was a stage and that all of us were just actors in a play for giants, who were watching.

sept.

Last night I found out that my payroll check bounced.
I was on hold with wachovia for a total of over an hour and a half trying to get some sort of information as to why this was happening.
Person #1 told me that the check was bounced from the bank the check was drawn on, person number two told me that person lied, and person number three told me that someone at my wachovia branch had taken the check and applied it towards a "do you have a student loan with us?" Ummmm no! What?!
So I was forced to go to Wachovia and straighten it out. A combination of so many things have had me on edge for a week or so. I have no friends in Texas. I love love love the people I work for they are so super nice (case in point: lending me money to cover the overdraft fees the agency owes me); but I have no friends and do very few activities outside the house. (the gym is basically my only activity, actually.) So that, this money thing (when im trying desperately to rid myself of debt), coordinating schooling for the spring, a flight home for christmas, my mom wants to talk more, my sister wants to talk less, i want to cook, my best friend is hopelessly addicted to drugs.....

I walked into Wachovia and almost immedietly began to cry. I'm such a pansy, I dont know if i will ever grow up.

I turn 22 in 3o days. I'm supposed to be able to confront problems and effectively problem solve with out becoming emotional. I used to, sort of, believe that when you grow up it's literally you, waking up one day, and suddenly becoming a new, mature person. I'm beginning to completely doubt it. I feel like those people who thought the world was flat. duh. its sooo obvious! its right in front of my face, but i still can't comprehend it. I'm out to see if any amount of purple nail polish or confrontation will actually help my cause.


My life is filled with symbolism. I wonder if it's only me who can see it, or if others notice. My life is one huge series of cliches and age-appropriate mistakes. I wish so hard that I will wake up one day and just say fuck it, bring it on. To be able, for one day, to not be a slave to my insesant desire to be a grown up and always do the right thing.

This is a picture of peach cobbler that I made with peaches that had been ripened in the fridge- hopefully an accident. they were wrinkly and inedible...but the cobbler was delish.

a typical day six.

this is my friend, the stability ball. a little scary at first, because absolutely contrary to its name, the stability ball is far from stable your first time. but now, i must say, i do love me some stability ball.

a nice bowl of irony on day five

I sometimes feel like my entire life is filled with dramatic irony; like everyone around me knows something about whats going to happen to me but no one will give me a hint. I know its not true, obviously, no one wants bad things to happen to other people without warning. It kind of feels like Stranger than Fiction.

This morning, I had planned to go to the zoo. I found the block on which the zoo supposedly resides, and looked to no avail for the zoo. However, I did find the most beautiful garden I have ever seen. Filled with dozens of types (thousands) of roses. I also came across the butterfly conservatory- and of course (butterflies being one of my absolute favorite creatures) I had to go. I spent two full hours absorbing breath-taking views of roses and butterflies. Not a bad way to spend a morning.

I was going to pick the ironic picture as a marker of today, though the irony is also what makes that photo insanely cliche. A broken butterfly? may as well fit me for my tight, emo jeans and spike my hair now. I picked a sculpture amidst a lake and beautiful flowers.

quatre.

when I lived in New Jersey, I always thought it might be kinda cool to have to pump my own gas. I got my fix during a trip to Hershey, PA with my little sister, Elle- I had to ask for help from three people and spilled a large amount all over my shoe. Not cute. And now, I live in Texas.


it's the only thing I really miss about the state of New Jersey- meaning what NJ has to offer that no other state does (well, that and ballllin pizza and bagels-no other place even comes close). But i guess you can't choose what you move on, up or away to.

trois

As you can see on day three, I painted my toenails purple. Even, at 21, glancing at the bottle felt taboo.

I was never allowed to have purple nails. Or multi-colored nails, which I think may just be my next adventure in the realm of funkadelic body art. oh, I'm so badass. And with the that came the realization of holy shit I'm a real grown up and can wear the color nail polish I chose. Nail polish drew the dividing line of adult and child, in my eyes, apparently- and nearly four years after true adulthood set in.

During the growing up process, Lana and I were reminicising of childhood memories, hers making ice skating rinks in Russia, and mine gathering friends to play hockey and house. I realized, too, that I could never again create a childhood memory. All my memories from now-or rather, four years ago- are adult memories. And since the last almost four years have produced very few fond memories, I'm deciding that this year, in my picture a day project, you will see more than the outside of the gym and the inside of my house. So tuesday, I'll be at the zoo. Saturday I will be at NASA and October 4th I will be at a texans game.

deux

i took three pictures today. this won. its definitely how i feel most of the time: like a project being glued, cut, supported, white-outed and glued back together....with words of encouragement floating betwixt the background and foreground.

un.

The most productive thing I did today. (Well besides account for the care and well being of 2 kids). Its a sort of photo album/birthday card/gift-wrap venue-type-deal for my sister (the girl in the picture who is not me).